Trying to Get to Spring with a Clear Heart

Not being pregnant is something I can’t complain about to the people around me. Not only would it be a surprise:

I’m so sad I couldn’t get pregnant…
Oh! You were trying?

But I’m not sure what I’d expect to happen. There’s nothing to be sorry about and I don’t want to talk about how amazing it would have felt to carry a child. I don’t want to have to list all the reasons why RR being the only is the best thing ever, just to make myself feel better. I don’t want to feel selfish, which I absolutely do, ever time I’m jealous of someone else who, on the surface, appears to have come up pregnant just by thinking about it.

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I wish I wasn’t though. Jealous. I also wish I didn’t have so many (or any) pregnant coworkers. I wish the next season wasn’t summer, when there are no more coats and sweaters to keep coming attractions under wraps. That’s a lot of wishing about things I can’t change.

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I’d like to know when I’ll stop feeling that pang – parts frustration, loss, disappointment, even a little bit of wondering why we didn’t do more or try harder. I’d like to know when I’ll stop noting where my cycle is and having the second of mourning on the 15th of the month. So perfect. But not. Obviously not. I’d like to know when the balance will tip permanently in favor of not being pregnant.

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This sounds sad. but I’m mostly just noticing it. I wish I wasn’t, but there it is. Lots of other things are going on and I’m excited to talk about those instead, but I just had to get those words out first.

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12 Responses

  1. It’s always hard to know how to clear the heart. Sometimes I’ve just put it away and sometimes I’ve tried to sit with it. I hate having that feeling of jealousy, which just makes things worse: sad, jealous, and pissed at myself for being jealous.

    Anyway, right now I’m terribly jealous of your croci (is that correct? High school Latin was a long time ago), and cursing my brilliant plan to move north.

  2. All I can really offer is a big virtual hug.

  3. I have no words to give you, none that will likely console you. Just sending you hugs and peace from my end. <3

  4. I wish it had gone differently for you. I always figure there has to be a reason why things don’t go the way we want them to, but that might just be some spiritual hogwash to make me feel better.

    Sending you a virtual wave of peace.

  5. I also wish things had gone differently for you, as I know you do yourself. And “what-ifs” are just so hard because in the end, you never will know. I hope you can find peace with that and journey through the grief of not being pregnant. You have a right to feel how you feel and just know that it might take some time to adjust. HUGS.

  6. I am in the thick of this right now – trying with no success. It is so hard to hold on to the love and excitement for friends who pop up pregnant all around. Some days I let myself feel it without judgment, and other days I provide myself distractions. I wish there were an easy answer but I am thinking of you.

  7. Just sending a hug and letting you know you’re not alone. Haven’t been reading blogs much because other people’s pregnancies make me sad. We adopted N four months ago and I feel guilty that I’m not 100% overjoyed with his presence (I am! Just also sad that I’ll never be pregnant). I think we just sit with those feelings through time. And know that maybe there will always be a little pang over the path not taken (or the path that wasn’t even an option).

  8. I definitely have moments where I sort of wish we hadn’t stopped at one, where we’d had another baby. That ship has long sailed & there’s absolutely no way I’d go back to diapers at this point anyway, but some days I really do get sad that we’ll no longer have a little one in the house again. Not the same pang as yours, but I bet they are slightly similar. xo

  9. I’m so glad you posted. I’ve been thinking about you all. What-if agony is second only to what-could-have-been. I’m glad you have a place to post these thoughts, feelings, reflections. It’s only right you take some time to mourn. I hope spring brings peace and joy and many many moments that allow you to celebrate your family as-is.

  10. I think it’s perfectly human to be deeply ambivalent about difficult choices, circumstances, and lack of choices. Heaven knows I’ve had plenty of what-have-I-done moments on both sides of choices. I hope your clear heart comes to you one of these days.

  11. This is just a random comment for you because I know we have similar taste in books (did you read the latest Kim Harrison? OMG- AWESOME). But I discovered a series about Zombie’s with a kick ass heroine. The author’s name is Diana Rowland (I’m going to try her demon series and I’ll let you know how those are) and the 1st book of the 3 part series is My Life as a White Trash Zombie. There will be a fourth book coming out in July I think. If you decide to read it & if you have any recommendations for me let me know :)

    • I haven’t read it! I’ve been waiting for it to come to the library! I’ll definitely check that series out. Just the title sounds great. I haven’t turned up any other great series like Kim Harrison’s lately (I mentioned/you know about Patricia Briggs though, right?) but I did just finish the 4th book by Ben Aaronovitch in the Rivers of London detective/supernatural series. It’s hard to explain but it’s very well written – there’s a little bit of description here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rivers_of_London_(novel)

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