Ovarian Spite

I’ve been wondering about this unsettled feeling that’s creeping up on me.  I feel as though I’m trying to watch it from the corner of my eye so that it won’t spin away when it sees me noticing.  So here I am, waiting for it to do something so that I know what to expect.  How to feel next.

It could be lots of things.  Late summer.  A new academic year.  The end of one social cycle and beginning of the next.  But I’m starting to get the sinking feeling that it’s more of a waiting feeling.  An anticipatory feeling.  Something that leaves me queasily wondering if I’m one of those women.

All along I’ve wondered how people get so baby obsessed.  They invent acronyms, count days, fall apart when conception attempts fail, etc.  I’ve blithely moved along assuming that it was hormones, or an imbalance of nerves (did you like that?  how suddenly I was a misogynistic 18th century doctor?)  But I’m afraid that thing sneaking up on me is exactly that.

I don’t know what to call it.  Baby anxiety?  Here are the symptoms.  I am overly concerned with my wife’s ability to pee steadily onto a tiny stick and the condition of her cervical mucous.  I lay awake at night wondering if we’ll miss the ovulation window if we don’t call the office between 8 and 9 in the morning on the magical day.  I suspect she won’t ovulate now, or ever, in a fit of ovarian spite.  I try to think regularly about how life is going to be just fine if there is no baby.   Clearly, I’m infected.

That thing that’s creeping up is a mild form of baby panic.  Was there an inoculation for this?  Could someone get one of those over here?

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