The not telling anyone, it’s killing me.  And I’m not even really playing by the rules, I’m occasionally telling people, unapproved people, just because if I don’t, I’m likely to explode.

Up until now, I’d have sworn I was a good secret keeper.  you can take this with a grain of salt though, since I occasionally share secrets with my wife.  Fine.  I realize that’s not actually keeping secrets.  On the up side, you don’t have to share any secrets with me, so you’re safe.  Regardless, when we decided not to tell anyone we were trying to have a baby, I thought it would be a piece of cake.

Here are my reasons:
a) I don’t like most people
b) I really don’t like talking to most people
c) no seriously, I’m ornery

In fact, I was wrong (noticing a theme around here lately?).  I want to tell everyone.  I know this isn’t a good idea, since I won’t want to be reminded of how unsuccessful we were, nor do I want to answer questions about my wife’s body.  Not to mention, we’re pretty private folks and are likely to want to keep pregnancy questions to a bare minimum once/if a child is born.

If we fail at this, we’re unlikely to take heroic measures.  We both feel pretty strongly that if her body sends a clear statement that it doesn’t want to carry or produce a baby, that we’ll stop trying to force it.  That’s a very individual choice, and for us, it boils down to valuing the biological messages our bodies give us and recognizing that we may not be physically equipped to support another life.  It’s a hard message, but as a couple, we think it’s best for us not to press the issue and end up with unintended consequences.  In the end, the last thing either of us wants to do is explain to eager grandmothers-to-be, best friends and coworkers that we aren’t going “to try” anymore.

Which brings me to my second point: it isn’t anyone’s business what’s going on to make that baby.  There are tiers of permission here – for instance, I’m much more willing to tell my friends that we’re trying to get pregnant than my coworkers.  If they ask how, it will be because they genuinely care.  I’m even more willing to talk in detail about it to other friends who have used fertility clinics and artificial insemination.  They know how.  I’d like to settle into that happy place straight couples automatically get shuttled to when they get pregnant.  No one asks them how it happens.  Have you ever heard a stranger ask a pregnant woman “Now how did your husband do that?”  Somehow, being lesbians puts our reproductive efforts into the public domain.

That’s an entirely different can of worms.  It’s hard not to tell people.  And, I’m not.  Really, I’m not.

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