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Let Me Sniff You.

Oh, we are masters at finding symptoms.  As a child, prior to the internet, I collected facts and tidbits from other kids about what being sick meant, just in case I ever needed to cement a claim.  As it was, my mother felt too strongly about school (or my inside knowledge wasn’t enough) and so I went, day in and day out, despite my best efforts.  I remember one friend of mine that got to stay home for several days each month because of migraines and cramps.  Every.  Month.  As someone who is thankful for a day without a migraine, I was incredibly envious of her ability to convince her mother she should stay home nursing the pain.   For me, there were never enough details to be gleaned that would convince my mother that bedrest, but not doctors, was the remedy of choice.

With access to the internet, I have risen to an entirely new level of symptom discovery.  Once, I even thought myself into a sore throat.  Oh yes, I’m that good.  But now I’m afraid D and I are thinking ourselves into symptoms.
Case in point:

  • D has gotten up to pee at 6 am two mornings in a row.  In the five years I have been married to her, this has never happened.  Even after a night of drinking.
  • Her lips are unseasonably chapped.  More chapped than I’ve seen them even in the winter.
  • Her breasts “ache”, are fuller and more translucent, and the nipples have tiny bumps.  She says she hasn’t made a point of cataloguing the reactions of her chest to PMS and doesn’t know if these changes mean a thing.  Of course, she also said it hurt to sleep on her stomach, which, hello?  Wouldn’t you have noticed that happening every month?
  • Her temples have lost their scent.  I know the way my wife smells.  I can smell when she’s sick and when she’s feeling better, sometimes before she even knows.  I fell asleep snuggled near her temple the other night and noticed that, while she didn’t smell sick, she didn’t smell like her.  There was a softer, toastier smell that hasn’t faded since.  I don’t sniff her everyday, but close enough that it seems different.  Yes, I’m weird.

Here are the reasons why these things are not pregnancy:

  • To mitigate the chapped lips she is drinking too much water.  This makes her have to pee.
  • Her breasts are tender because her hormones are changing in preparation for her period.  The bumps happen every month – we just don’t notice them – and the translucency is due to her glowing, youthful skin.
  • They appear fuller because she might be secretly losing weight in the shoulders.  Maybe.  Or also, hormones.
  • She smells different because it is summer.  Or because the only time she lets me spend hours with my nose pressed on her temple is when she’s asleep.  I know what the winter sleepy smell is, but maybe this is the summer I’m-sleeping-dammit-so-stop-inhaling-on-my-head smell.
  • Her lips are chapped from the nervous licking she does when she realizes I’m going to ask her if she feels anything.  Again.  Or, sniff her.

I promised myself I’d be patient, but apparently, I’m terrible at waiting.  Let’s go September 5th.  Get your ass in here.

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