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Not the End of the World

I’m feeling both quiet and chaotic. At first, I thought the waiting period after the IUI would be tense and I’d be impatient and then it would all be over with a simple yes or no. And, maybe, upon reflection, it will have been. Now though, it seems like we’re getting raw on the edges. Less impatient and more frayed.

D has been spotting for a couple of days now, if you can call a smear of brown or pink spotting. Of course, the internet will tell me anything I want to hear (such a clever liar) and frequently she does, coughing up pages of ill repute like wiki and yahoo answers where people who could be 12-year-old boys for all I know offer sage advice like, “blood only one day then doctor – bump.” I have no idea what that means. But, and here’s where the tiny rips happen around me, I assume it means that since there has been discoloration more than one day, she’s getting her period.

I am listening to a 12-year-old-boy explain the inner workings of the female, of my wife’s, body. What am I doing? I’m a librarian for pete’s sake (this is my favorite expression.) So I apply myself using fancy databases looking for any information that might explain this sort-of bleeding, when it might stop, and how soon we’ll know whether it’s period spotting or not. If you know the appropriate search terms for this, feel free to jump in an help out because the only medical article I’ve found so far had these answers:

1. some women (about half) bleed when pregnant.
2. most of those women (about 90%) go on to have healthy pregnancies.
3. some women (about half) never will bleed when pregnant.
4. some women will get their period when they bleed (anyone who isn’t pregnant)
5. there is probably no such thing as implantation bleeding.

Well, hell. So, I’ve really gotten nowhere, have I? Nowhere isn’t entirely true though. I’ve realized that constantly asking D about the state of her toilet paper (And it’s not just that, is it? It’s how much? What color? Are you digging in? Stop doing that. Is there a shade change from this morning? Yesterday? Do you think you’re pregnant? You aren’t are you?) is turning her from a reasonable, calm woman into someone who feels incredible pressure and guilt to produce the “right” outcome.

And darling, I am so sorry. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have someone outside the bathroom door (well, usually not literally) asking you the second you come out (well, usually waiting til then) what the status of your vagina is. On top of the dread you must feel in the moment without my help. To a lesser degree, we went through this with the ovulation test, but now it feels like the pressure is on and it shouldn’t be. You heard me, it shouldn’t be. Not being pregant is not the end of the world for us. In fact, it means we can do a lot of things we had planned on this fall. And, we can try again, though that cold exam room won’t be nearly as fun the second time, I’m warning you.


2 Responses

  1. I know the TWW can be maddening. Just wanted to say that I had the lightest bleeding 8 and 9dpo–just a smear of mucousy brown or pink here and there during those two days. When I tested the night of 10 dpo I had a very faint positive. Turns out that it was implantation bleeding and I’m pregnant. There’s really no way of telling what’s going on until you get your period or that positive test, but here’s hoping that the bleeding is a good sign!

  2. Well, as the previous commenter said, you can never know.
    I had some very, very light spotting, and was curious to see if, after a miscarriage, one gets implantation spotting, where there was none the first time. Truth is I do not know the answer to that one, because the very light spotting transformed into full fledged AF.
    I also have a friend who after an IUI got a light spotting. She thought the IUI failed and expected her AF. It did not come. But there was more serious bleeding a couple of days later, and it was definitely not AF. Now she is 14 weeks pg, and everything seems fine, NT scan perfect…
    I too wish there was some way we could know before hand what the result will be, so that to spare ourselves the insanity of waiting or heartbreak of failure. But there is no such thing. So we go on with the hope of success.
    It’s not over until a BFN or AF shows up. Hang on.

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