Pregnant.

I couldn’t sleep last night.  I even attempted some hard labor in the backyard, shoveling compost and watching her mow the lawn (seriously, watching your maybe pregnant wife push a self-propelled mower is enough to give your heart a workout once over).  Instead of being exhausted when I hit the sheets, I was wide awake and chattering like a jay.  Wow.  I don’t think I’ve heard anyone say that since my Great Aunt Peg when I was grabbing her pack of cigarettes and handing them over while reluctantly letting her put lipstick all over my cheek.  Like a jay.  Yes, ladies and gents, I am 80.

D fell asleep as soon as I paused to take a breath and left me laying there in the unseasonable heat wondering if I would live til morning.  No, the stress of waiting wasn’t getting to me at all.  Why do you ask?  Though we tried to be mellow this time around and patiently wait til she missed her period, the last few days tumbled into an avalanche of web searches and what if conversations.  Even though I felt like every time I opened my mouth I was setting up impossible expectations, I couldn’t help it.  Let me put it this way, by Friday, D was terrified to pee lest she see blood on the tissue.

Lest.  See what I did there?  Now I’m 90.  I’m aging as we go.

I even had a crisis moment on Friday when I asked a pregnant colleague if she liked her OB.  This, of course, led to the awkward conversation that implied I might be more confident about D’s pregnancy than I really was.  I mean, there was no preganancy.  I’m suddenly that woman who needs to steal a baby in order to save her reputation.  I’m both crotchety and athief .  Aren’t you glad you’re not married to me?  The possible jinx led to me half-panicking all through compost shoveling and came to acrescendo when she said, “I think I felt a cramp.”  I will not admit to telling her to go pee every 30 minutes thereafter.

Okay, I’m not quite that paranoid.  But I tell you all that to tell you this, I did not get a wink of sleep last night.  I consented to getting up and watching tv at 6 while I waited for her to get up and hit the bathroom for the pregnancy test.  We didn’t even have one with lines – how could we be so unprepared!  See, we were being mellow! – all we had was a leftover digital one.  And let me tell you, those things are sneering and nasty.  They don’t mess around.  They just flash a word or two at you and just like that, with zero room forinterpretation , you get an answer.  Last time the digital test crushed our hopes in a mere 4 minutes.  I’m not ashamed to admit that we switched immediately to the lined test, hoping to see something, anything, more.

I heard her stagger to the bathroom at 630 and mentally curse me for not opening the plastic package for her.  Look at me, did I seem stable enough to do that?  No, I did not.  Judging from this post, I’ve also got cataracts, arthritis and a cane.  Get off my lawn!  She staggered toward me minutes later, carefully holding the digitallycruel stick parallel to the floor.  I assumed it would be a very quiet four minutes together.

It was not.  That spiteful stick told her before she even finished peeing.  It said pregnant before she could even wipe.  It was that speedy.  Apparently, it takes awhile to think about how to crush your dreams but it’s able to confirm them in seconds.  Seconds.

We’ll call for a blood test on Monday and hope it’s smooth sailing from here.  A blood test.  I can’t believe we made it to a blood test.  Congratulations darlin, you’re pregnant!

10 Responses

  1. Woohoo!
    We got two lines this morning =)
    My husband was the antithesis of you. I put the test with the two lines next to his computer before he came downstairs this morning, and he spent about an hour catching up on his email, facebook, etc., before he noticed it and asked when I had put it there.

  2. omg, congratulations!!! that’s fantastic news. i’m so excited for you!

    i hope you’ll continue to post about the pregnancy. i love reading about things from your perspective.

  3. Whoohoo!!!

  4. Wow… Congratulations! That is a great story! 🙂 🙂

  5. Holy crap! Congrats!!!

  6. Congratulations! What a fabulous story. I can’t wait to read more.

    Thinking good thoughts for your blood test.

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: