Mellow Yellow

We had our January appointment yesterday at 18 weeks.  Look how smoothly I just said that.  I’m totally getting the hang of this math thing.  Unless 18 weeks and 2 days is actually the 19th week like my ‘What to Expect’ app says.  If that’s the case, I’m still hosed.  Also, like how I threw that in there?  My “app”?  Yeah, I’m so hip like that.  Or not.  Probably not.

Anyway, instead of Georgardo, we saw a new guy, Dr. Ahnold.

A more mellow man I have never met.  In fact, he and my wife could be in a Who’s More Mellow contest and I think Dr. A might totally win.  Since my wife is undefeated in all other Mellow competitions, that is pretty impressive.  I mean, she’s like 240-0.  Seriously.  I’m surprised she’s even human, she’s so mellow.

Dr. A has been the first doc to have the reaction I expected from our doctors.  He came in, looked vaguely befuddled at the pair of vaginas in the room, checked the chart and introduced himself to the vag on the table.  She then introduced him to me and everyone took a deep breath and relaxed.  Let me tell you, the atmosphere was so calm even the molecules in the air laid down and were all “Dude, just chill, man.”  Our other doctors, while mostly likeable, were nothing like this guy:
Soap Opera Doc – I am very professional and have seen many lesbians.  I may, in fact, engage them in threesomes.
Best Of – I am very professional and my objective is to knock you up.  Which I just did.  No need to thank me.
Dr. Me (our actual doctor) – Hi, you guys!  I’m your doctor!  I love you!  I love the gay!  You’re so awesome!
Georgardo – Unzip to your hairline.  Wait, which one of you is preggers again?  Ha. HA.

He checked out the uterus (on target, he says).  WHICH WEEK! I wanted to scream, but didn’t because I’m sure my words would have popped like silent dreamy bubbles in the mellow atmosphere.  He checked the heartbeat (spot on, he says).  He even tells us what the heartbeat is, which is lovely since I’m compiling old wives tales with which to speculate on the sex.  Then he sits down to ask if we have questions, which we don’t.  He proclaims that “refreshing” and, after confirming that D is doing better than fine in the weight gain dept., it’s clear the appointment has evolved into a natural end.  We all gently float from the room and drift happily away.  Well, I sort of walked.  But those two, they evaporated into mellow little swirls.

Needless to say, given Vegas’ father’s info (mellow) and his mother’s genes (beyond mellow), if Dr. A (champion at mellow) delivers this child we will have absolutely no trouble with him at all.

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