Baby Roulette Questions 2-4:
According to the fishwives, the sex of the baby isn’t just about heart rate. (As a side note, we’re off to the doc again today and we might get an update on that. I figure at some point these appointments must change right? Less LIE DOWN LADY AND LET’S GIT TO YER HAIRLINE! and more …Let me prod you delicately while exclaiming over your no doubt beautiful child’s future… No?) Sex is also about how that baby is sitting, what he’s posing as and how much he’s affecting her gait. And let’s be honest, sex is also about whether there’s a baby at all…but that’s another story.
There’s some talk about carrying high or low. I suspect this is something any well-versed midwife or doctor can pronounce from a glance, but I have been developing complicated equations to assess belly ratio to height divided by area, radius and hairline followed closely by giving it all up when I realize I’m not sure whether to measure up or down from the belly button. On alternate days, I simply eye her belly skeptically and try to decide whether it hits my back or butt when I try to push past her in a crowded doorway. OUT OF THE WAY WIFE! On all of those counts, she’s carrying high, and folks say that’s a girl. Also, someone once wrote a song called She’s So High so it must be a girl. She’s So High is not to be confused with Because I Got High performed by Afroman which I think is a better song, mostly because people are always saying She’s So High reminds them of me – not in the Afroman sense, more in the lyrical sense, which I don’t think actually fits me. Kind of like when D’s mother calls me fancy.
But let’s put that behind us. Literally. If you look at a pregnant lady alone, from behind, you should stop admiring her ass (is that just me?) and look up a few inches (or more if you can figure out what carrying high is) and see if you can tell if she’s pregnant from behind. If you’re like me, you’re always stealing glances at your wife’s bum. If she looks pregnant, and she does, we’re talking about a girl in there. If she doesn’t show from behind, well…it’s Afroman in there, is all I’m saying.
There’s still at least one more old wives tale about bellies (maybe you know more?) and that has to do with the shape of things. This one is so straightforward even I can tell what I’m looking at. Watermelon? Check. There’s your pretty, pink princess. Basketball? Afroman. Nuff said.
So just to keep the tally straight, we’ve got 1 point already for a boy (heart rate) and 3 for a girl (carrying high, the way she looks from behind and watermelons). Next up, more dissecting women’s bodies and making predictions about the smallest of things. Leg hair! Breakouts! Breasts! Fun!