…as a Mule

Exactly.

I’m pretty sure that’s what’s going on around here.  I’ve dug in my heels and refused to move anywhere, even if it’s for something good.  I haven’t even demolished that chocolate ice cream in the fridge because that? = movement.  Movement = passage of time.  Passage of time = chaos.

It’s not even Vegas really.  It’s my family visiting later in the summer.  It’s organizing the basement.  It’s work.  And yes, it’s getting through 12 more weeks and then the 12 weeks after.  Usually, I view time in these situations favorably.  For example, I dread my once monthly poker game (I love it too, but that’s another story entirely).  But regardless, the first weekend of the month is going to come and go and it will be over no matter what I do or don’t do.  Thinking this way motivates me to at least make a positive experience of it.  Chat with a frustrating employee?  Over next week.  A wedding?  Over next month.  Winter?  Over by spring.  And so on.  I don’t see it as pressure to perform or achieve, only as a fact of life.  Dread happens.  And, then, it’s gone.

I’ve been doing this my entire life and suddenly it isn’t working.  Not only can I not get anything at all done, I can’t even think of life on the other side of it.  I plan.  I strategize.  It’s what I do and yet, I’m completely paralyzed.  I’m spending my time doing things that generate no forward motion whatsoever.  I haven’t even been able to articulate that is what’s happening until now.

Vegas, I’m pretty sure we can blame you for this, even though it doesn’t feel like it.  I certainly don’t want to be stuck but I’m not certain how to wiggle out of it.  Meanwhile, deadlines are still coming, steadily, relentlessly and I’m not entirely sure what will happen if I don’t climb right over, like always.

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One Response

  1. I can relate– I think. I track time by events that are to come, and once they’re gone… well… sometimes I sit and meditate on what’s to come and then realize all this time has passed…

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