Two More Months

The last time I was this impatient was when Vegas was about eight weeks into being more than a thought.  Oh, I wanted to tell everyone.  Wanted to explain why D was so tired, why she should get to go home early, why I was distracted.  I didn’t get much work done.  I fretted about whether we had told our parents too soon, whether the 12 week scan would show a problem.  I worried away at every tiny decision until we’d reached 12 weeks and we could tell people without waking the deep fear that we hadn’t yet crossed the disaster line from “you should have waited to tell” to support.

Since then though (at least until now) it has been smooth sailing.  Vegas’ development was out of my hands.  He was going to be okay, or he wasn’t.  I’m not sure what tipped but all of a sudden I’m constantly wondering about his well-being.  Is he moving?  Is he kicking?  How are feeling?  How is he feeling?  Why is he making you nauseous?  How did he get back on your nerve?  Is he wiggling?  Are there hiccups?  Why are you so tired?  Does he have everything he needs?  Is. He. Moving?  Is everything going to be okay?

She can only tell me that yes, he is moving and that she thinks everything is fine.  But, I can’t help but worry that it will suddenly stop being okay.  That we could somehow prevent something.  That I have some kind of control now.  That I can make him stop hurting her.  So here we are with 29 days to go (assuming we don’t have to give up anther seven, Vegas) and it’s only a minor consolation to know that by July 1st we’ll have a babe in arms.  Even though I know it’s the end of May and that will be the very tip of July, it still feels like two months.

This doesn’t get better, does it?

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2 Responses

  1. I am so going to be a basket case by December, aren’t I?

    I think for me, at least, thinking about it gets scarier later on, because you feel like there is something you should be able to do. I mean, PB is currently 5 weeks pregnant (thank you, crazy pregnancy math, for making us sound so much further along), and if something goes wrong with the pregnancy at this point, it’s pretty much a matter of “Game over. Please insert quarter to play again.”

    Whereas Vegas is far enough along to be viable outside the womb. Not that you want him to come out before he’s fully cooked, but if he did, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal, survival-wise. So it seems like you should have control over the situation, even though that’s not really the case. And for those of us in the non-gestational camp, we don’t even get the reassurance of feeling the baby all the time. So, all of the terror, with significantly less amelioration.

    Or at least, that’s my take on the situation.

    I wish I could look into a crystal ball and tell you for certain that everything was going to be fine. (I can lie, if you want.) All I can tell you is the same thing I tell myself. Probably it’s okay. More than likely. Much more than likely, at your stage of the game.

    And he’s due in less than a month, right? For a change of pace, you can always try worrying about whether you’ve got everything that you need ready. That’s kind of my plan, anyway. Do what you can, and try to let the rest go. (Much easier said than done, but I try.)

    Probably none of that actually helps, but if nothing else, I understand exactly what you mean.

  2. We hit 32 weeks today. Two more months feels like an eternity to me. 56 days sounds better, but still… Ching’s dealings with time are very different from mine and she thinks 2 more months is going to pass very quickly.

    The longest night of my life so far was the night the pee stick was positive. I spent all night waiting to find her in a pool of blood and the baby gone. It took a long time to not worry constantly. Having a heart monitor helped before we could feel him wiggling around. Again, Ching’s ability to “not worry until there’s something to worry about” amazes, frustrates and helps me.

    There’s .5% chance of something going terribly wrong from here on out. I guess we should enjoy this last leg.

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