Dear Vegas,
As a former diplomat, I’ll be the one responsible for your social behavior lessons.   I’ll remind you that the salad fork is the smaller, wider one and that if you are given an even smaller fork, you probably should have declined the invitation.   I’ll nudge you to remove the lint from your clothing and to toss your shoes when they lose their shape.  You and I will discuss life’s bigger questions: how to tell your girlfriend she looks great in those jeans, how to break up with your boyfriend without making it personal, and that both of them need to come into the house to pick you up and not sit in the drive and honk.  You’ll learn how to make small talk and how to apologize.

But first, we’re going to talk about what hand symbols are appropriate in what countries, when not to show the sole of your shoe and why sometimes you shouldn’t use your left hand.   Most importantly, we’re going to talk about timeliness.  It’s an art child, when to show up for something and how long to stay.   In some places, it’s perfectly acceptable (and appropriate) to arrive for a 8 pm dinner at 11 pm (Argentina, I’m looking at you).   In other places, you can assume that a 10am brunch won’t really get going until 10:45 or so.  Picnics are flexible things, breakfasts, usually not.  Showers, birthday parties and other celebratory events have a short window (you don’t want to miss the cake).  And in some places, if you want to be fed (or catch the train, or make the meeting) you must arrive on the second.

While it’s never good to arrive too early for an event, it’s often acceptable (if not strictly appropriate) to arrive a few minutes before.  If it’s you and your date and she’s already waiting at the restaurant, early is much, much better than late.  Vegas, your mother and I are your first date.  And we’ve been in this goddamn restaurant since Tuesday.  Although we don’t expect you til next week, in this case, it is PERFECTLY GRACIOUS and SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE to get your tail out here and order your first meal.  Don’t stand us up, baby.  Don’t make us get out a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You (or rather, he’s TOO into you and I’ll be the one to teach you that isn’t good either).

But, I can’t teach you one single thing until you get your heinie in gear.  I’m waiting Vegas, and you should never make your mother wait.  No Ma’am.

6 Responses

  1. Adorable. Love this and I am SO excited for you guys. Soon soon soon! YAY!

  2. This made me smile….I hope she makes her arrival soon!

  3. Your writing style is wonderful. This totally brought a giggle and smile to my afternoon.


  4. Love It!! Man, I bet you’ve got some amazing travel/diplomacy tales.

  5. I love this post! So adorable!

  6. It’s good to learn manners early. *grin*

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