Now.

I think we’ve covered this, but just in case, I’m not a reminice-er.  I’m not a remember-the-time or a wasn’t-that-wonderful-when girl.  I don’t discard the past, but I also don’t chat about it.  I suspect that makes some folks uneasy, the current nature of my conversation, but they’re kind enough to move on with me and not mention how much they loved that time when…you get it.

I also don’t spend a lot of time dreaming about what could be.  I do engage in the occasional what-if with my wife (who is rarely anywhere else but what-if, and I’m lucky cause I doubt I’d be much fun without her and her wacky 3D glasses and hovercraft).  I also do a lot of planning if I do this, then this will happen and then I can have that etc.    It’s hard not to borrow trouble, but mostly, I try to stay happily in the moment.

I am so glad I’ve had the practice.  Having a baby has been the most important in-the-moment exercise I’ve ever undertaken.  It has been practical (if I try to mulit-task while feeding RR the bottle will fall out of her mouth and she’ll stick out her lower lip and her eyelashes will tremble just so and she’ll coo, just so softly at me with a perfect helpless tone that simoultaneously melts me and burns me to my soul) and it has helped me fend off my mother (yes, I’m going to hold her/feed her/pick her up again.  no, it won’t ruin her.)

Mostly, I’ve used it to prevent the shoulds.  You know.  The should I feed her less?  Should I put her down for a nap?  Should I rock her?  Should we put her here or there?  Should she be on her stomach?  Should I be checking for this?  How about that?  Should she be doing that?  WHY, WHY IS SHE DOING THAT – ooh, sorry that just crept in there…  Because really, what should be happening is probably exactly what is happening.  Honestly, if I hold her a little less now, it’s my loss because it’s only going to be less in the future.  And there’s no point in thinking about how much I held her three weeks ago, that’s like saying I could jump rope a lot better at 15 than 30.  She’s practically a Real Housewife of New Jersey compared to where she was three weeks ago.

It’s working for me.  It keeps me from mourning her lost youth and fervently praying I had a busy toddler on my hands.  Give me nothing but Right This Moment.  I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

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One Response

  1. Yes! I’m one of those people who makes back up plans for their back up plans. But, I’ve also learned a little about not having a schedule – as in, this right here is a good thing to be doing, however long it takes, and then we’ll move on. Comes in handy.

    I’ve always said “should” and “supposed to” are miracle phrases that don’t mean anything in reality.

    I’m sure you two are doing great!!

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