An Easy Baby

 

I’m pretty sure everyone I know thinks they have an easy baby.  I think this is wonderful because obviously the parenthood propaganda is working – we’re all so convinced that becoming moms will be the hardest thing ever that when our little tiger turns out to only have colic for three hours a day instead of eight we think, “Ah, I have SUCH an easy baby!”

Part of me want to call all these folks up and say Really?  Really? You consider THAT easy?  And then I remember the only thing that keeps me going each day: the fiction that I’m doing it right.  And we all rely on that bit of knowledge – true (for all of you , of course) or not (me).  So I’m here to tell you that I have SUCH an easy baby.  She slept nine hours each night for the last five days!  SO EASY.  And then I’m also going to tell you this:

She will not roll over.

She routinely smears sweet potatoes all up and down her arms like it’s a spa treatment.

She sprayed poop all over my wife, the airport floor and her stroller.

She has had poo in her ear two times in the last two weeks.

She will not take baths, only showers, and will stiff-body you till you acquiesce.

She has an alarming squeal.

And the kicker: This morning, I put my hand flat down in a pool of poop and then had to wear an apron while I hosed her down screaming in the sink.

Judging from my friends’ portrayals of their offspring, they all have perfect little angels who are advanced, breathtakingly gorgeous and charming.  They bring their mother’s tea, craft sophisticated refrigerator art, and wash off their own pacifiers.  My own sister even said to me today, “How can I ever compete with RR or her cousin?  They are just so brilliant and so beautiful!”  So I’ll tell you what I told her just in case you were wondering.  They aren’t all like that.  The Princess of Poop isn’t like that.

Easy?  My ass.

 

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4 Responses

  1. Well obviously, the only thing easy about babies is lying about how easy they are.

  2. I agree with Cari above, the only easy thing about babies is lying about how easy they are so that we as parents do not feel unfit to parent if our baby isn’t as easy as the one next door or down the street! I say cut the crap and tell the truth, my baby isn’t all that easy! Yes she sleeps through the night (if you call 10p to 5a through the night) but she won’t lift a sippy to save her life, hates taking baths and is destined to be the stinky kid because the ear drum breaking screaming is a big deterrant to tub time, and will parrot any sound you make but won’t say any form of mom mommy momma…….. I’ll say it loud and proud She’s not easy but loving her sure is.

  3. My son was not easy to the point where I asked the Dr at his 6 month appointment when he, my son, was going to realize we had things pretty much figured out and he did not need to scream everytime he opened his eyes or closed them. It took another month of research for me to determine he was a classic high needs baby. At two he still is. And he still rarely sleeps through the night and still wakes up screaming. I did not have an easy baby but I have known easier. Hang in there, it may take years but things will change.

  4. While Noah has decided rolling over is totally overrated, and solid foods aren’t all that great, but squealing is fantastic – we do have an easy baby. The crazy part is we (ok mostly me) feel guilty about it. We’re also pretty sure it won’t last forever. And we don’t take credit for it, at least not yet.

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