Here are some things about me that you don’t know and a few that you do know. I’m incredibly self-critical. Example: right now, I’m critical that I’m being critical of myself. And that I’m about to complain to all of you, so as Charlie Sheen would say, I’m winning. Whatever, I missed the chance to throw in a Charlie Sheen reference when he was in the public eye and I’d be terribly critical of myself if I didn’t take the chance now. Speaking of crazy, I have two therapists (well, one is a psychiatrist, but she does a fair amount of mmhmming too). Also, I am constantly seeking the best outcome to any situation which has the unfortunate side effect of making my wife feel as if she could be doing things better, which is not what I’m trying to do. Welcome! Aren’t you glad you stopped by?
I’m having a bumpy ride at work lately, which involves a mix of all of the above. Since August, I’ve struggled not to take anything personally and not looking inward so often that I fail to grasp the context. I’ve stood up for myself when I needed to. I’ve talked positively and specifically about the future to the people above me. I’ve sought every opportunity, to be better, more productive, more effective. Not that I wasn’t doing those things already, I just wanted to make sure I was doing them without reproach. But I got stressed out anyway, enough so that I ratcheted up therapy and the pills that keep me from being Charlie Sheen. So now I’m feeling bad about myself for needing to take those steps but I’m am at least consoled by the possibility that I’ve done everything I can to put my working environment on the path to reward and fulfilled potential. But today, my hard work and exhausting effort (and more pills) seem to have left me exactly where I started only now with someone else doing all of the things that I suggested I be the person to do.
Here’s where I say (if I’m impartially reading) that we all have workplace disappointment and challenges and while this is worthy of a “that sucks” it doesn’t really merit two full paragraphs already. Where is the happy? Well, that’s exactly what I want to know. Where the fuck is the happy? How come I’m not winning? Where is my tiger’s blood? How come no one sees that I’m an adonis? And maybe even a teeny tiny bit of that’s just not fair. Instead, I’m trying to still the lump in my stomach and the constant internal scolding. You must not have done everything. You must be doing something wrong. You should have done more of this. Obviously this would have gone your way if you were a good fit. You’ll just have to try harder.
But I don’t know where or how. I’d have done it already, fixed it already if I had any idea how to make this better. Today, I don’t want to go home because I know that I’m bringing with me the criticism, failure, and disappointment that I couldn’t stop from happening and can’t seem to shake off. So I thought I’d tell you guys. Because I don’t have an appointment to pay anyone to listen to me for a few days. Because saying something might make my heart feel lighter. Because you all always say something that makes me feel better. You’re so good at it, someone should pay you.