There Just Aren’t That Many Hiding Places

I began the day by hiding a cup of pee in a public restroom.

If you haven’t tracked your ovulation lately, it’s fun. There are test strips and, if you’re willing to spring for it, a digital test that gives you a smily face if you’re ovulating. I get so. excited. to see that smiley face.

It’s far better than the alternative, a goose egg, which makes me worry that I’m never going to ovulate and that sometime in the last month my organs have decided to give me the finger and run off into the woods to hide. Go ahead and picture your ovaries snickering behind a tree.

Thank you, Google, for providing this picture when you search “ovaries behind a tree”

Adding to the delight are apps that track your cycle. The one I use sends messages before the egg-springing date. This time I saw “The flowers are about to bloom” followed by “It’s time to get out the candles and turn on the smooth jazz.” That’s right, my phone just suggested I slip into bed with Barry White. In addition, the calendar days are slowly turning green as my predicted ovulation date approaches (Wednesday) although that’s just old smooth jazz guessing. Nevertheless, the green days (since Friday) mean I get to pee on the sticks and that’s ten minutes of fun I get to have every morning. 10 minutes alone in the bathroom checking twitter? Practically nirvana.

I am not inexperienced with aiming. I did this last month for six days without flubbing it once. Sure, you could splash the stick too generously but come on, I can see what’s happening there, I have self control. After two errors on Friday, we bought a new kit. Another error on Saturday and I decided to try the cup-dip method as opposed to direct application management™. Sunday, I managed it successfully the second time after an unexplained error the first time. I SWEAR TO YOU I AM DOING IT RIGHT. I am so close to the predicted ovulation day, I can’t just waste time fooling around with Barry White.

Today, I brought three sticks and used all three. Since I’m now working the cup method, I had to smuggle the cup past my coworkers and down to the bathroom. I ensconced myself in a large end stall in order to check my twitter feed in peace. I hit the cup, dipped the stick and waited. Error. You’re kidding. So I am left with a predicament. Run upstairs for the second stick or dump the cup and the chance. I’m too close, as I said, so I tucked the cup into a small paper bag and perched it in the corner. And then I left it there and went to get the second stick.

That’s right. From 10:00 – 10:15 this morning there was an unsupervised cup of urine in the corner. I’m pretty sure that’s the definition of Monday. For everyone.

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I won’t even tell you about the shenanigans that ensued after that stick also had an error. IT’S NOT ME, YOU GUYS. Suffice to say, I had to let me wife do the dipping, apparently correctly, while I watched. Today is still not the day.

7 Responses

  1. This is hysterical to me. I ovulation tested (as a grad student) in the public to everyone bathroom in the college. I’m not a purse carrier, so I, too had to slip the stick into a pocket and carry it down the hall. There was only one stall in the bathroom, so what to do? Go back to my (shared) office? Hang out with a stick of pee for a bit? It’s only funny now. (Then, later, pumping in that office was another joy. My office mate–and good friend (she had to be)–was all, “It’s not Wednesday until I’ve seen some boob!” She learned a lot of info that, she tells me, later came in handy. I live to teach, I tell you.)

    Good luck. May nobody drink your pee.

  2. I spent so long doing this routine that I had it all worked out. I can tell you my method, if you want… It involves a small, make-up style bag, a small baby food jar with a lid, and packets of sticks. That way you can smuggle your cup of pee out with you, although frankly, having a jar of urine in you pocket is not actually the most fun ever.

    Good luck! I know how validating that damned smiley face is. 🙂

  3. So …details? How did you get the cup home to wifey to check, or did you just pee in a new cup later?
    I think catsandcradles has the right plan. I used a specimen jar to do my pregnancy tests when I wasn’t at home, smuggled it onto a pocket and waltzed down the hall of various houses with my pot’o’pee. Always had plenty of lidded specimen jars handy as we used them for certain other ‘collections’.
    Enjoy Barry White, may it be a smooooth ride 😉

    • Surely you don’t want to know that I walked over to her office and smuggled a new cup down HER hall where it was negative. But then I panicked that enough time hadn’t elapsed from the last one so we did it AGAIN at home. Also negative, so, phew. I should add that when I say “we” I mean that I am only contributing at this point – I’ve been banned from the actual test equipment.

  4. This looked easy from the other side, didn’t it? Welcome.

  5. I liked the smiley OPKs too, but I found that some were more prone to errors than others. I had two sets – with the idea that one would be for home and one for work. One worked like a dream every time, one gave me error messages about half the time. So this is to say, it may not be you, it may be the OPK. Might be worth buying a new one…

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