Sharks and Minnows

So this getting pregnant thing – turns out it’s fraught with feelings. I knew that academically but I don’t think I grasped what that might mean for me. And let me tell you, I wasn’t completely prepared for the emotional shenanigans I’m suddenly experiencing.

mud

I’m disappointed that I’m not actually pregnant (and, I assure you, the two days late “gift” didn’t merit a thank you note on nice stationary) mainly because I actually thought I would be. It’s SCIENCE. How could it not happen? Here’s an egg. There are the sperm. How can you miss each other in a space that small? Also, once you get together, which, how could you not, how do you not make it to the wall in time? You know what game I hated when I was younger? Sharks and Minnows.

Hateful Game

I started swimming competitively at three. Yes, I’m that kid who says “I’ve been dancing/singing/drawing all my life” and you think, “Asshole.” The second I could dive down far enough to get a hateful black rubber ring from the bottom of the pool, I was listening for a gun (yes, actually) to go off so I could race some other unfortunate kid to the other side. The coach’s favorite practice tool was a game where one child, the shark, began treading water in the center and the other children, the minnows, attempted to swim from one side of the pool to the other without being tagged by the shark. Once tagged, they too became sharks and the game progressed until one minnow remained and was either crowned the winner or besieged in a terrifying way by ravenous sharks. Imagine being one of a couple wily kids staring down a pack of people trying to get you at all costs. I wasn’t ever dumb enough or slow enough to get caught early. Apparently, neither are my eggs.

scared egg

So, I vacillate between WTF SCIENCE and a host of other frustrations, some as ridiculous as, “Great, now I’ll have to WORK in February, one of the most depressing months of the year.” I told you they were ridiculous. I admit I also feel some relief. Fine, fine, look shocked and then say, “Well, that’s why you didn’t get pregnant. Your body knew you had hesitations!” to which I say, SCIENCE. As much as there was some draw to having both of our children be genetically related, the first donor we chose looked a lot like me. Having been the blondest, palest, bluest eyed baby, I’d kind of like my kid to have a shot at not looking like she fell into a bucket of bleach until she’s 12.

jonahhilleminem

Now we’re able to go with someone who looks more like D. Also in the feelings category, it’s kind of cool to be able to pick what you want your kid to look like but not as cool as actually getting to have a kid. As much as I’m disappointed, I’m also deeply glad this isn’t our first. I feel much less sad when I look at RR and think, best baby ever. Still, now we have to wait, depressed and flummoxed by science, until we can try again this month, Because SCIENCE is so ACCURATE that you still have to wait for the perfect day to give it a chance to fail. You can’t be BOTH, science.

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11 Responses

  1. Yeah, total mindf^ck, this getting pregnant on purpose thing! {{{hugs}}}

  2. I’ve had many conversations along the “How could it not work?!” line. As you pointed out: small space, perfect timing. Where does science go wrong?!

    It’s also proof that sex education lied. You know, the part where some teacher, parent, or friend told you that if you even looked at a boy without wearing a condom you would be instantly pregnant? That clearly does not always apply!

  3. The emotional roller coaster of TTC is rough! Having just recently pulled myself off that ride for good, the only thing I can tell you there is always next month and looking at RR will remind you that science does work for the good!

  4. Yeah, I, too, thought that if you were just in the room with sperm you pretty much ended up pregnant with twins. Still dressed? That’s no problem for SPERM who are basically Cary Grant in To Catch A Thief. Or maybe the bad guys in Charade is more like it.

    I also get the relief thing. Big decisions are BIG, after all. (True fact: on the of things that made me think I might be pregnant this time was waking up, a few days before beta, thinking, “WHAT HAVE I DONE??”). I found that getting really upset after my first negative was actually somewhat helpful in the clarity department. Like, on balance, this really was something I wanted, since I was (mostly) sorry I didn’t get it the first try.

    Finally, let me say that have a kid who doesn’t sunburn super-easily is pretty darn convenient.

  5. Maybe your eggs are just picky and want the perfect sperm to come along. Can’t just let any little wiggler enter your wall!

    You want our extra sperm? Then your baby could be half Japanese and may have a little color. 🙂

  6. Why is your egg on a trampoline? 😉

    • I know! Weird trampoline. This is not my drawing though I kind of wish it was. I’d have never been clever enough to think of a trampoline.

  7. Woah! Hey! Hi There! Ok! Im all caught up now. Good luck, congrats, alla that!

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