You Get What You Pay For Hopefully

It turns out that ectopic knee pregnancy is an actual thing. Or, rather, the theory behind it is. I am, in fact, queasy, exhausted and pitiful days 9, 10 and 11 post ovulation and have probably been this way my whole life. I KNOW. Biology is so weird, man. The fertility doc was happy to hear this was the case and identified it as a clear sign that progesterone is ramping way up and then, like a faucet, turning off heading into the 12th day. Given that I was worried he’d class me into a whole 18th century hysterical woman category, I was delighted to hear that it’s absolutely a good sign. He commented that I was particularly in tune with my body but I just wanted to say, “piffle, you haven’t seen me track down migraine habits over a lifetime. I’m not in tune mister, I’m a mechanical mastermind.”

Of course, it does also mean that I’m not getting pregnant. We’ve tried three times and let me tell you, if you’ve ever tried to get real information on trying to conceive from google, you will find yourself immersed in forum posts equivalent to ladies chatting over the toilet stall wall:

Lady 1: Omigod do you know what it means when it’s, like, sticky?
Lady 2: Totally. It’s a symptom of eating watermelons and drinking milk on the first day of your cycle.
Lady 3: Don’t listen to her. It means the rapture is coming. Do you have any toilet paper to pass under?

Not to say there isn’t useful stuff, but it’s hard to comb through seemingly relevant questions just like yours that were asked in 2002 and answered by seven people who all thought the speculation was or was not the case even though they had hadn’t been pregnant yet but would know in just three days, sticky dust. The original poster rarely comes back to shed light on the issue. So I broke out my mad research skills and hit up journal articles, studies, science. And I found what you already knew: fertility is a big fucking mystery.

Recent studies are mainly retrospectives of studies done in the late 90s and have a couple of major drawbacks for folks like me: studies about IUI success are almost exclusively conducted pairing the procedure with a drug and stats for folks over 40 practically vanish. I’m not over 40 yet but I’m staring down the barrel and who knows what age my eggs think they are. There’s a conspicuous gap in information about unmedicated IUIs. A few of the facts I did find, like 97% of women get pregnant in four IUIs, were thankfully abolished by my doctor who said with no uncertainty that four tries is a fair estimate for a 25 yr old but that seven or eight would be more likely for a grandmother like myself. So we talked about upping the chances.

I don’t think D or I mentioned this at the beginning but we were (are?) very cautious about adding drugs to my particular cocktail. The idea of twins makes her uneasy and the idea of a(nother) body-altering substance makes me uneasy. I didn’t like the odds in the studies I read, it didn’t feel like a sure bet. But, given that fertility is like betting on the lame horse in the last heat to take the crown, we decided that the risks Clomid presented weren’t enough to rule out possible success. Possible is the key word there, as he said, “It’s a $20 drug and you get what you pay for.” In my particular case, I can hope to get an extra egg out of a cycle.

Speaking of this cycle, it’s beautifully on schedule – beautifully for science but not so much for the loving scene you pictured of D and I holding hands, stars in our eyes as the doctor fades out and we daydream about nursery colors. Even if you hadn’t, you are now so let me assure you that it’s more laughing, awkwardness, debates over how many minutes have elapsed, and detailed discussion of disasters throughout history*. You’ve been reading this blog, right? Obviously there is no nursery color scheming.

Back to the point, D will be traveling when I ovulate unless an egg-based miracle occurs (in which case she’ll be traveling while I panic that it’s 5 days late). So it’ll be me and the uncomfortable speculum, staring at the ceiling and trying not to flinch, while (probably) texting her. Would it be inappropriate to FaceTime the procedure? I jest, my cervix is not camera ready.

So here’s hoping for a kit change during the week so I don’t have to worry about RR and here’s hoping that two eggs work better than one.


* If you’re keeping count, that’s the Lockerbie bombing for RR, and the Hindenburg and Everest for tries 1 and 2.

12 Responses

  1. Did you read this in your research? I think I read it every month while we were trying. 🙂 Also, Frances was totally conceived on a solo IUI visit. Any way, fingers CROSSED.

    • I didn’t! Thank you! And also, I’m excited, though not in that creepy way, to hear you got pregnant on a solo iui. I don’t why that’s a relief except for the small weird part of me that thinks it won’t stick because of stress or something. And since you managed it… right… biology doesn’t work like that…

  2. I only had one solo IUI, and I made sure to bring plenty of company in the form of a stack of books piled on my chest during the proceedings. There’s an artist’s rendition on our blog somewhere, circa early 2010.

    Anyway, as a Clomid baby myself, I meant to say that the stuff does work, at least sometimes.

    • If you see some strange IP address rooting through your blog you’ll know it’s me looking for that awesome image. A book is an excellent idea.

  3. #1. this was F’ing HILARIOUS to read. #2. I feel very much the same about drugs and also am like “OMFG please prescribe me something NOOOOWWW!” because I feel impatient and crazy.
    The end. And also, of course, sticky dust girl! 😉

  4. Oh lawdy I would never FaceTime my vagina. I mean, whenever I accidentally use FaceTime, (it’s ALWAYS accidentally!), I somehow have so many chins and a giant nose. Heaven forbid what it could do to my lady parts! (Hehe, FaceTime my vagina, like she has an iPhone lol.)

  5. Ha! I love the EKP concept! And I too have wasted far too much time on those very same forums. I also checked search terms recently and discovered that someone had found my blog with the search term “pain in big toe 12 dpo”!!??? I wonder if they found what they were looking for…
    We initially were anti-drugs (and terrified of the idea of twins), but started trying clomid at cycle #5. Our doctor was pretty convincing about it not upping the risk of twins by very much. Hoping that this does the trick and you don’t have to do a #5 (or 4)!

  6. […] and this is all on top of my wife (hopefully) getting pregnant without me next […]

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