Today is my second meditation class and while I’m looking forward to it, I haven’t managed to do my homework. Incomplete homework, like being late, are two things I can’t abide in myself. These things are brought to you directly by my parents along with a steadfast refusal to follow a rule unless it appears to be a good one (or, is of indeterminate goodness). For the most part, it makes good sense not to be late but at this stage in life, I find that it rarely makes good sense to prioritize homework.
In this case though, I really wish I had practiced. Meditation needs practice and I need the mental space it brings with it. There is no physical space at my house though, and while meditation is sorely needed, sitting peacefully in my house is traumatic.
This is my brain:
This is my house:
Meditation would do me a world of good.
Another thing about me (along with lateness, rules, and homework) is an intense dislike of being noticed. Or maybe it’s more correct to say “having drawn attention”. I can accept an individual compliment gracefully, but I’d rather you didn’t publicly remark on a new haircut, my shirt, or a habit or action (good or bad). While Debra is typically exempt from this, thinking that my parents might notice or comment upon a meditation practice makes me die a little inside.
Further, now that we are fostering/my parents are adopting a new dog, there are zero spaces to sit in peace. The dogs shove the doors open. If the doors are shut, the cats paw to get out. The new dog doesn’t understand cats and so he chases them, making them scramble to get in. There is exactly one room that isn’t constantly occupied by a person AND that doesn’t contain cat litter and you’d be surprised at how little floor space there is in our bedroom. Asking my family to intervene is inviting comment and conversation (and telling them not to sets off my mother’s crazy which destroys the fragile house peace in an instant). I have one million excuses and none of them are good enough.
Taking away the chaos of an extra dog and my parents, all that remains is Debra and RR, who is a bit of a wildcard. Yes, she might coming slamming into my space, but I don’t mind explaining what meditation is or bringing her up in a household where meditation happens. It’s a valuable practice for her to internalize and the initial interruptions are worth it.
I give you these excuses because I can’t give them to my teacher or to anyone else. I’ll surmount them eventually, but in the meantime I’m left with frustration at not having finished my homework and dread that I’ll have to draw attention to myself by asking for help.