Summer Time Blues

I was going to tell you all about how awesome RR was and then I realized you already knew that and so I decided to tell you how awesome I’m not instead. Well, it’s not that I’m not. But I don’t feel awesome. Right now I feel overwhelmed and trapped and disappointed. So, yeah, I’m a lot of fun.

Today we took RR to the doc for shots and we came away with, yes, shots, but also increases in all of our respective medications. Sadly, there’s not much to say about it except that mental health is a fragile thing and I thought I had mine squared away but it never really is. It’s frustrating to feel like I can never quite grip the slippery synapses and twist them together so that they’ll stick. And with me it’s not a big splash of crazy (anymore) it’s a slow skid around the bend. So when the doctor asked if I had been sleeping and, well, I hadn’t, not well, and then wondered if I might be on edge at work and I remembered a recent and uncharacteristic (anymore) outburst, I felt the world sort of fold in around me for a minute. Like, didn’t I fix this already? Why can’t I just be like everyone else? 

There wasn’t time or reason to wallow. It’s just me. This is what I get. And so, just a few more chemicals to balance things out because everything else has been a little bit of a false promise. Exercise, mindfulness, no sugar, etc, etc, ad infinitum – it works until it doesn’t. The drugs do. I admit though, I’m always expecting them to stop working. Not expecting. Fearing. 

But that day isn’t today. So onward. Let me tell you how brave and wonderful my daughter is: We took RR for shots and she didn’t even cry. She announced she would be brave and she was. The best thing about 4 and 3/4 has been brave. Also, we’re spending the next week and a half together (equal parts wonderful and terrifying) AND she has only had ONE accident in the last 6 days.

Brave. And completely awesome.

5 Responses

  1. Brave and completely awesome. Just like you.
    I can’t imagine the fear and the frustration…I only get to see the other side. But we feel it too…the fear and, well, more fear. It’s a turbulent ride that we’re all on and it’s “nice” to know that we’re not the only passengers.
    Huge hugs sister.

  2. A friend of mine used to say, when your knee hurts, you go to the doctor, you take medicine for it. Why not do the same for your head? Sometimes we all need a little help and it’s brave to accept it.

  3. Life: it’s not linear, there’s no progressive narrative of triumph. But it’s still good.

  4. Friend, one of the best things we can do in life is show our children what it’s like to ask for help. RR may not actually SEE it, but we know, as parents, that what we are doing is right and we are setting an example. Good on you for doing what you need to do to be the best mom and person you can be…and hell yeah to 6 days!

  5. Mental Health is a bitch. I totally understand it. It’s like you feel like you fixed it, it seemed fixed and then – BAM, it’s not fixed. I’m sorry you are going through this. IN better news, Awesome for no accidents!

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