Love Grannie and Pop Pop…

Yesterday I completely dissolved at story time. There we were, flipping back the cover of Library Lion, and reading the inscription.

Dear RR,
Merry Christmas 2014!
Love Pop Pop and Grannie

All the breath whished right out of my lungs. One minute I was breathing and the next I was buried in heavy sand struggling to get air. You know how when you cry with your eyes closed your eyelids fill right up until teaspoons of salt water rush down your face? Somewhere between sand and salt, I sent my daughter to the other room to “hug mama goodnight” or “to have a silent breakdown.”

What if that was the last Love Pop Pop and Grannie book? How can RR grow up without him? Of course she can, but it’s so sad that she won’t. I’m heartbroken for her. I’m heartbroken for myself. I’m heartbroken for my wife.

My father recently proclaimed to her, “You are my favorite son-in-law.” Of course she is, dad, she’s amazing. But oh my god, this is not fair.

Tomorrow I’ll join my mom and dad at the oncologist to get the diagnosis details. The prognosis. Maybe it will be nothing. A terrible mistake. Realistically, it will be just terrible.

How do you not cry? I’d like to save the crying for later and hold it together in the moment. So pass on your words of wisdom. How do you keep from crying?

9 Responses

  1. I am no good on that count. I have never been able to keep it together in the moment. But oh, how I hope it’s nothing – a terrible mistake – and you and your family can cry together with the sheer enormous relief of it all. I will sending all my good vibes your way – or more especially, your dad’s way – today.

  2. Oh goodness. I don’t. Or I try to let it out early by watching something I know will trigger an outpouring of emotion. My thoughts are with you and your family.

  3. Thinking of you and your parents today.

  4. I’m no good at it, either. All of y’all are in my thoughts today.

  5. Oh friend, i’ll be praying for y’all…hope tings turn out ok..

  6. Most of the time I find I can hold it together in the moment, but when I can’t, that’s okay too.

  7. Oh, sweetie. Sometimes I try to get a good preliminary cry out of the way in the shower or something. (The water washes away tears and snot, and as an added bonus, you can blame red eyes on a shampoo accident, should you feel the need to do so.)

    Other than that, big hugs to you all, and I hope you get some good news.

  8. It’s okay to cry. And it’s okay for your child to see you cry.
    It’s healthy.
    Children should know that their mothers are human and prone to human emotion.
    When my grandma died I cried, Rebeca cried, all the adults in my family cried. And when Isa and Maya looked confused, we explained that we were crying because we were sad.
    And they can understand sad and scared. So our crying wasn’t alien. It was understood.
    Love you lady.

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