While You Were Away…

You guys, I was on my way to bed, thinking to myself, “no screen time two hours before bed, even backlit screens, how am I supposed to do that” forgetting, for the moment, that I’m trying not to control everything so who the hell cares whether I’m reading a book on a backlit screen before bed, when I realized you were the only people who would appreciate how ridiculous I look.

Because here I am, blue face mask drying (anti-stress, it says) in an effort to hopefully get the blemish the size of Mount Kilimanjaro that arrived ON MY CHEEK to subside or at least stop being so red and so…tall. It is so giant that I’m distracted by it when I glance down. I am also wearing one shoe because two minutes ago as I was trying to wrestle a fitted sheet free from its boa constrictor-like grasp on my forearm, I stepped awkwardly on my heel which was already sore and a blinding pain shot up my leg and knocked me over. On my ass. So I hobbled around with snake sheet and blue mask until I got to my shoe because isn’t that what you’re supposed to be doing when your foot hurts…shoes…and I jammed the hurt foot in. I did not put on the other shoe because I can’t put enough weight on the first foot to manage the second shoe. I gave the cats some water because I’m a good person and also because I’m trying not to think about the fact that I might be left with those ungrateful bastards because today the vet found a lump in the beloved dog’s rectum and it’s being biopsied and I actually cannot think of that reality. So I don’t look where I’m going with my one shoe, blue mask, snake arm hobble and I put the bare foot right into cat poop.


So I’m calling you. Because who else can you tell this shit (literally) to?

12 Responses

  1. Vivid.

  2. Oh man. That is just horrible!

  3. Hang in there Baby Cakes! Better days are coming!

  4. ice is your friend. one minute on, one minute off. for the zit, not the foot. I have no idea about the foot.

  5. Delightful. Why do these scenes never make it onto Instagram?

  6. Here I thought these sort of things only happened to me.

  7. It’s definitely time to give up on the day and go to bed! After cleaning the foot, of course.

  8. That quite the evening friend…shit is right!

  9. If ever there were a selfie moment.

  10. I too have stepped in freshly shat cat shit. Solidarity sister. Ya-ya!

  11. oh man. My bad day is looking pretty good now. Hoping for brighter skies in the morning for you.

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