Misbehaving Neurons

Anxiety is a beast. Some days I feel like I’m standing at the foot of a giant dam and the wall is there, yes, but so is the weight of all that water pressing and pushing and seeking a crack. Some days I don’t notice the dam looming up there. Some days I just go about my business knowing it’s there but that it’s completely safe. Some days, I’m almost out of the flood zone.

elwha-river-damSome days I could give a fuck.

500642501Sometimes I’m the one that’s fucked.

maxresdefaultToday was a looming day. Water sweating from behind concrete. The things that make tiny puddles on the good days (making a phone call, finding a bug in my hair, talking to someone new) turn into lakes around my ankles. People like us have coping mechanisms. In my case it’s a mix of medication, meditation, movement, sleep, my family. When any one of those things slips a little (and it doesn’t even have to GO, just slip a smidge), the others come toppling after. I don’t have any room for slipping. Keeping the water behind the wall is constant vigilance.

I was struck by this video today, particularly the first quote. Also, the little clicking noises of the neurons are pretty cool, too. Especially since I was up half the night alternately being anxious and then anxiously scolding myself for not being able to stop being anxious. I don’t fully know how to rewire my own brain (or I’d have done it by now) but I killed several minutes happily trying to understand.

“So I always used to get anxiety. Then I would get anxiety about getting anxiety. It was anxiety all the way down.”

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One Response

  1. Anxiety IS a beast.

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