Nothing’s Okay But It’s All Okay

You guys, I feel like a hot mess. In fact, my health insurance company has pointed this out by sending “helpful” pamphlets on combating anxiety, as if it were an army one could see and defeat. At least I haven’t gotten a diabetes one in awhile. That’s exasperating when it’s based on weight alone and not evidence. Anxiety is one of the things that’s not okay but that is going to be okay come hell or high water. 

Once I saw that I was losing sleep and reluctant to do my public facing job, I took myself back to the doctor and what she prescribed made me gain a lot of weight, fast. My eating habits didn’t worsen and I started exercising a lot more so that’s frustrating, to say the least. We talked, I cut back on the dose, and I’m hoping that the weight comes off, even if it’s not as quickly as I put it on. So it’s okay, even though it’s not okay. The thing is, the week we cut back, the anxiety got worse. On the plus side, I’m still okay enough that I can look the anxiety in the eye and name it which is better than it was before.

And to be honest, I could be eating cleaner but I’m watching my dog go downhill fast and I’m coping as well as I can given that he’s my first born, my best dog, my constant comfort. We put our mattress on the floor so that he can get up on it. I can’t get off of it in the morning because I am old. So it’s not okay. Losing him, stiffly struggling to get up in the morning (both of us), but it’s okay because I don’t have to worry he’ll puncture a lung falling off the bed or listen to him whimper and fail to get on it. I can’t help the rest of his problems, but I can do this. 

So perhaps saying nothing is okay is an exaggeration but it sometimes feels that way. But it’s all going to be okay, one way or another, now or eventually and hey, maybe those mindfulness classes paid off after all.

5 Responses

  1. Oh honey. Hugs.
    My girl’s anxiety has been off the charts lately and she has finally (!!) come to terms with taking meds to help. She’s very concerned about the weight gain but I keep trying to politely reassure her a few extra pounds are worth it. So I say the same to you.
    Currently, everything at our house seems to be breaking. This week it’s been the oven (my husband fixed, thankyouverymuch), the furnace (the repair guy fixed), the dishwasher (turns out I have a friend with a brand new unused one sitting in his basement, do we want it?) and the check engine light in my car has been flickering on and off. Adulting is overrated and expensive.
    Our fur babies are everything. xoxo

    • Our oven just failed last week. Lacking a husband, we’re paying a guy to come and fix it. He is reasonable, all things considered but I’m bummed I’m not getting a new stove! Also ants. Is Cville built on an any hill?!

      • Yes it is.
        And while they can be handy, husbands can also be overrated and annoying. I’m always happy to lend mine out – just as long as he’s not fixing something for me!

  2. So. Much. Solidarity. Zoloft has made me gain so much weight, but I can’t stop taking it because I fall apart. Job searching is not at all good for my mental health.

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